My reasons...

Everyone has their reasons to lose weight. Here is the story of how I found mine.

I have always been on a rollercoaster when it comes to my weight, only this one is not fun and scary, it is just plain depressing. I took a trip to New York City, a dream trip that I had been planning since I was about 2.

From barely fitting in the airplane seats, to not being able to keep up with the fast pace of the city I loved, my weight was actually holding me back. It was a much needed wake up call, and my goal is a better more fit version of myself I know is hiding under all of this fat and sadness.

I want her to come out, and its her I want to take back to NYC and everywhere else I've been longing to go.

Saying goodbye to the person you have looked at in the mirror for so many years can be scary, and letting go of the security blanket of fat I've held on to for too long can be an emotional thing, but it's time to let go and finally be happy with just me.

New York Adventure - Part 3

Now, I thought the World Trade Center should just have its own story. Here is technically part 3, but part 2 of Day 2. Yeah, That's confusing.

View From the Bottom of the World Trade Center, I was actually touching it at this time.

The line to get in was surprisingly short, and within about twenty minutes, we had purchased the tickets, waited in line for security, and were getting on the elevator to what we found out was a three-floor experience. First, I have to start with the elevator. It was the coolest thing I have ever seen in person. When you step in, the walls of the elevator show New York City as it was in the 1800’s. Mostly farmland, and not a tall building in site.

As the elevator started to rise, so did the buildings around us. The time quickly went forward until the present day, where the elevator dinged and we were on floor 102. By far this was the highest up in a building I had ever been. We were guided into a room that had a white wall, where they showed videos of the city.

There were people walking down the street, subway cars zooming by, horns honking, people laughing, and water splashing. It was exactly as it really was walking down the streets. Then the announcer told us to see forever, and the white wall lifted into the air, showing a perfect view of the entire city. It literally took my breath away and tears came into my eyes. This was what I had waited for my entire life, and here it finally was, all laid out before me in all of its tall glory. It was at this exact moment that I fell madly and deeply in love with New York City.

See Forever

Too quickly, the wall lowered back down and for a split second, I was sad, thinking that this was all I was going to get. But then I remembered that this was a three-floor experience. We then headed out of that room, down the stairs and onto the 101^st floor. Here they had these special tablet devices that would show you what buildings you were looking at. I walked away, not wanting to see the view of the city through a tablet screen.

We walked down another flight of stairs and onto the 100^th floor where it was a 360 observation view of the city. While the Empire State Building has an observation deck that is outdoors, where you peer through bars, the World Trade Center was different. There was floor to ceiling windows all the way around the building, and you were indoors the entire time.

This has both positive and negatives. It was pretty hot outside as it was nearing the end of July and right in the middle of the summer, so it was nice to stay inside the nice a/c. But on the other hand, it was harder to get a great view and picture when there was glare on the window and your camera would focus in on the person’s reflection just behind you. Either way, it was still worth the $32 price tag to experience it.

The ride down the elevator was no less exciting than the ride up had been. On the walls, the story was a bit different. This time (in the movie) the elevator flew out of the building on the 100^th floor, few around the city as it descended, and then went back into the building on the 1^st floor. Watching this while on a fast moving elevator was pretty exhilarating.

By this time, the sun was getting ready to set, and there was a nice breeze coming in from the ocean as I looked longingly at the Brooklyn Bridge, too tired to even consider walking across as we headed back to the subway, and made our way back to midtown and to our cool hotel room. Needless to say, day two went much smoother than day 1.

Here you can see a bit of the glare

The outside of the World Trade Center. There is a girl touching the building and taking a picture. She may or may not have given me the idea to take the picture above, lol.

This is as far as my camera would zoom in. There is actually a man on the roof setting up a ladder.

My brother, not wanting to take a picture in front of NYC (he hates taking pictures)

This view has it all. Empire State Building, Chrysler Building, and even that tall skinny building is the tallest apartment complex in the U.S.

Me in front of my favorite city

Just Beautiful

New York City Adventure... Part 2

Part 1 of Day 2

The next morning, I woke up excited but a little scared to brave this city that I had so longed to go for so many years. I was scared that it was going to get the best of me, and I would run back home crying after spending my four days locked in my tiny hotel room. We walked down to the restaurant inside of the hotel to get breakfast and I remembered that we had a concierge. When we checked into the hotel, they did mention that if we needed any help getting around the city or finding things to do, that they would be the ones to ask.

I went to the young hipster at the concierge desk and first asked him if he had a subway map. He handed me what I am ashamed to admit was the exact same map we were given at check-in that I never even opened, and which was sitting on top of my suitcase back up in our room. I looked at it for a second and asked him how to ride the subway to get to the 9/11 memorial.

He gave me a sweet smile and proceeded to map out every detail in pen on the subway map. He told us to walk down to Lexington, cross over to the other side of the street and go down that subway opening as it was the downtown train. Head down to the 6 train and ride it to the very end, or the Brooklyn Bridge stop. He was very detailed, which I appreciated.

So we head out and armed with the subway map, we went down and hopped on the train and made it to our stop with ease. So easy in fact that I felt even more like the idiot who had a panic attack on the subway. I’m not sure why we picked the 9/11 memorial and museum to be basically the first thing we did in NYC, but as it turned out, it was what we were looking forward to the most. 

The Subway looks the same in person as it does on TV

We walked to the memorial first, and it was beautiful. Looking across the hole that was once the base for the North Tower, which was the first one to be hit by the plane, I had mixed feelings. I was sad about what happened and in awe of how beautiful they made the memorial, and surprised at how small it was.

North Tower 9/11 Memorial. This woman was in so in awe, she put her camera down.

Being from Texas I was used to large buildings, but as we have plenty of land to spare our building were fatter than they were tall. It was an odd feeling to realize that the world trade center buildings weren’t necessarily that fat, they were just really really tall. As I looked up at the New World trade center, I realized I had never seen tall in my life. Here was the tallest most impressive building I had ever seen in my life.

View of the World Trade Center while in line for the Museum.

After having a good look, and a few pictures of the memorial, we walked over to the museum, where we had to wait in line for 45 minutes to buy tickets, then wait in line for another 45 minutes just to get inside. Once inside, there wasn’t as much as I had thought there would be, but it was surreal seeing parts of people lives that died in the tragedy. Being able to touch the first response fire engine (oops, I don’t think I was supposed to touch), seeing a part of the plane, or a shoe, or a handwritten letter someone wrote just moments before their death. It was emotional, to say the least.

It took about two hours in total to get through the museum, most of which had a strict no pictures policy. I looked around me at people who were crying and listening to them speak and realizing that they weren’t even from the states. It hit me at that moment that this was a global tragedy, not just one that affected the US.

Once we got out of the museum, we walked over to the new trade center, which had just opened days before to finally start allowing visitors up to the observation deck. We had a quick discussion about which “tourist” tall building we wanted to experience on our first trip. Did we want to go up on the Empire State Building, Top of the Rock, or the World Trade Center? We quickly picked the World Trade Center.

Waiting for the 6 Train to arrive.

Waiting for the Train at the stop by the Hotel. 51st and Lexington.

You have to hold on, it jerks you.

My brother sitting on the 6 train.

Inside the Museum. The large 9/11 Flag

A Famous Quote upon the wall

 A detailed map of the planes.

Elevator Motor from the North Tower

Ladder Co 3, First Response to the attacks.

A white rose means it's their birthday

New York City Adventure... Part 1

This blog was supposed to be one girl's diary through weight loss. It's funny that as I look back on what was written six months ago that I feel like this was a different person, and yet she has not changed.

The last entry was Day 7. 1 Week. Also, at the end of that Day 7 post I asked anyone that reads to stay tuned because the next day was my first official weigh in. Obviously, it didn't go well, and I honestly can't remember what happened.

What I do know is that I fell off that wagon and I am still sitting here writing this as a fat chick. That's okay though because Day 7 was one of my 100 reasons to lose 100 pounds, and oddly enough that reason was travel. I had so many reasons why my weight kept me from traveling, but about two months ago I decided to quit my bitching and start living my life, and stop waiting until I was skinny to do it.

So here is my story of my New York Adventure, as a fat chick... I hope you enjoy.

I flew out of my hometown of Dallas, Texas on Tuesday Morning. It was near 100 degrees, and as humid as the bowels of hell. I was so nervous that I couldn’t sleep the night before (well sleep has been an issue lately, but that is for another time), and I couldn’t eat anything the day of. As my plane took off, I felt some of my fear leave me being back on the runway. I was finally excited.

About three hours in, the pilot told us we were making our initial descent into New York. I stared anxiously out of the window, just waiting. Finally, the clouds parted and the first thing I saw was Lady Liberty. Smaller than I had imagined in my head, but still beautiful. I immediately started to cry. I had done it. I had faced my fears and now I was in New York City. I couldn’t wait to get off of that plane and get going.

The 1st View of NYC

It took about an hour to get off of the plane, get outside, get an uber (highly recommended over a taxi), sit through traffic and get to our hotel. I went with my brother, who was on his first real vacation too. We got to the Hotel and I was ready to hit the streets immediately. It took some persuasion, but I finally convinced my brother to walk from our hotel to time square. His condition was that he wanted to eat Chipotle. A little bit of home (his favorite place to eat) to make the transition easier.

I was happy to agree. Everything started out smooth. When walking the two or three blocks to where the nearest Chipotle was (the blocks are so short in NYC) and we came across the road completely blocked off due to the President of the US being in town. Luckily, the restaurant was on the side of the street we were already on, and so we had no problems getting in to eat. (Also it was super empty because of everyone waiting for the POTUS)

Good Maps stated that from our Hotel (3^rd AVE and 51^st St.) Times Square was about a twenty-minute walk. This didn’t seem very far to me. But, as it turned out, for a Texas girl that is used to driving everywhere, and who is easily 100 pounds overweight, it is really too far. Though we did walk it, and eventually (after multiple stops to rest) we were in the center of Times Square.

Sitting in the center of Times Square

At that moment, when we got there and found a place to sit down, I didn’t like it. There were people everywhere, it was hot, I was exhausted, and I felt like I had wasted a walk. The only store we went into was the M&M store, which was once again crowded beyond your wildest imagination. We decided pretty quickly to just go back to the hotel. Now the time is around 4 in the afternoon, and the traffic is so terrible that it would be way too expensive to take a Taxi back to the hotel. We decided to give the Subway a shot. I think I should have thought this through a little longer before walking down those stairs.

All I knew was that we needed to take the E train. I didn’t think to check to see which way it was headed. We walked down the stairs, and then down another set of stairs to where the E train ran. At this point, I didn’t even realize that the subway openings were specific as to which direction. I just walked down the first one that we saw at Times Square. I then proceeded to have a panic attack.

The subway was Hot (we were two stories underground), there were tons of people, I didn’t know where I was going, and my phone has no service that far underground. I had to get out. I know that I only wasted $2.75 by not getting on the train (which as it turned out was the right train) but I still feel bad that I just could not handle it at the moment. So we instead walked a million blocks back to our Hotel and called it a night. As I lay in my bed on that first night, I actually wanted to go home.

The NYE Ball, waiting until December 31st

A Close-Up Shot of the Times Square NYE Ball

The famous (if you watch SATC) Magnolia Bakery. I wanted to go in, but the line was out the door.

So Many People walking around Times Square

Two Story McDonald's. It would be a cool thing to see if not for the construction

More People

Dallas BBQ Restaurant. I should have put them to the test.

I love Makeup, So I geeked out a bit at the large Sephora.

This is actually huge. And right next to the NYE Ball.

The last thing I took a picture of before the Subway Panic Attack. Ironic.

Day Seven

Dear Diary,

Today was day seven. The last day of the first week. How did it go? Pretty Good, I would say. I don’t really have much to say about food, as I went grocery shopping and stayed under my calories. What I will do though is give my reason four!

Travel…

I want to travel one day. I am actually terrified to fly, but there are two reasons for that. The 1^st reason is that I’m pretty afraid of airplanes. I think there are a lot of people that are afraid of airplanes, but I do feel like I have just built it up in my head. If I could just get on the airplane and get up in the air, I would be fine. Or die, but hopefully, that doesn’t happen.

Anyway, the 2^nd reason is that I’m fat. I know that sounds like a really stupid reason to be afraid to fly, but I am really scared. I am scared that I would get on that plane, and then not fit in the seat. I’m afraid of them telling me that I would either have to get off the plane or pay for 2 seats. There is nothing that would be more humiliating to me than that.

I was once at Six Flags when I was a teenager (and I had just lost weight and was actually skinny, the only time in my life) and I watched as a family got on the parachute ride. The parents were both bigger, but the mom was really big. They tried a few times to get the basket off of the ground, but it wouldn’t go up, so they had to ask the mom to please get off. She did, but then I saw her crying after she put on a brave face for her kids, and they lifted up into the air without her.

I don’t ever want to have someone make me feel that way about myself. Even though the kid that was running the stand looked sad to have to tell her, it still really hurt her feelings. I would never want to make anyone feel that way, and I sure as hell never want to feel that way myself.

So I would love to be able to get on a plane, and not have to worry about being humiliated about my size. Who knows, maybe one I get some of this weight off, I will reward myself with a trip to New York City, one place I have always wanted to go.

Well, that’s all for today, stay tuned because tomorrow is my 1^st official weigh in!!!!!

Day Six

Dear Diary,

Okay so 1st day of the weekend. I will start by saying that I have a raging headache right now, so this may be a short entry.

I woke up pretty early, all on my own, which was nice. I enjoyed a quiet house for a couple of hours, as my brother was still asleep. Once he woke up, we went and picked up your mom and ran around.

We went and got haircuts and went to the movies. Non diet related, we went to see The Wedding Ringer, and I have to say, I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Which may be why I have such a raging now.

Anyway back on topic, during this running around, we spoke at a new place to eat that my hair dresser suggested. It was called, Sweet Tomatoes, and it is basically a huge salad bar.

It was fantastic, but of course any time you get to make your salad with your own toppings, it's going be fantastic.

After that I came home and was watching Netflix when this horrible headache started, and so as always, bad headaches make my stomach queasy and I only got about 1100 calories today.

So now I'm going to bed and hoping tomorrow is better, even though I have to go and do the thing I hate the most, Grocery Shopping...

Day Five

Dear Diary,

Well, Day 5 is done and gone. It wasn't the best day I've had this week, but it also wasn't the worst. The stress at work was unbelievable. Anyone who has taken a week vacation knows how awful the last day before you leave can be, trying to make sure all of your work is caught up. I don't wish that on my worst enemy. I didn't go and grab a soda like I usually do when I'm stressed. I also didn't try and grab any kind of food to make it better. One small step to becoming a thin person with normal eating habits.

As far as the food that I did eat goes, it wasn't all too bad. I had my frozen breakfast, and my frozen lunch, nothing to really write home about. But, as day 5 happened to fall on a Friday, and on a payday Friday at that, I did have a different kind of test put on me.

Yes, I went out to eat at a restaurant for dinner. We went to Applebee’s, which I haven't been to in at least eight years, and as I am sitting there and watching the rest of my family order ribs, and chicken tenders, and oh so many French fries all around, I pick chicken. Grilled chicken to be exact. It was a lime fiesta chicken with some brown rice, and it was AWESOME! (Please also note that the only person in my family that knows I am on this “diet” is my brother, and that’s only because we are roommates)

So the day ended with my totals a little higher than normal, right at about 1350 calories. But I take that as a win, and there isn't anything you can do about that. Also my trip to the restaurant brought about another issue that I have as a bigger person, and it is going to be my reason 3.

Restaurant Booths…

Nothing is more embarrassing than to not fit in a restaurant booth, and have to have your size 5 aunt pull the table closer to her so that you can fit your fat ass into it. Who the hell thought of the idea to make a booth at a restaurant so damn small in a country that has so so many fat people? I will never know. So a great reason to lose 100 pounds is to easily fit into any damn booth you want.

1 more tiny note before I end this here. My brother has decided that after watching me totally kick ass this week, he is going to join me in my frozen diet next week. Now I get to see how he reacts to the same restrictions that I have had to endure. **insert evil laugh here**

Day Four

Dear Diary,

So today I woke up a new woman! The sleepy no caffeine haze was gone, there was no headache, and I wasn't nearly as hungry as I have been. I ate my 1300 calories and was totally fine.

The one thing that worries me is the weekend. When you have a set schedule it's easy to stay on track. When you are home it is a completely different story. I will just have to have the willpower won't I.

This morning I did what I knew I wasn't supposed to, but that I knew I was going to do anyway. I weighed myself. I just couldn't resist, but I was down 2 pounds!

Hmmm, maybe that's why I had such a good day? Maybe my happiness was tied to the weight loss. Interesting theory.

Anyways, the only other "news" I wanted to share was the awesome panini I had at lunch, it was a Lean Cuisine. So yummy!

source

Okay, so this is going to be a short entry today, no reasons or anything, I just wanted to give a quick update on my day.

Last thing, I've decided that some I'm off all next week, I'm going to make myself write everyday, get a feel of what it's like to be a full time writer, just for fun.

Here's to a great day 5!

Day Three

Dear Diary,

So what can I say about day three? Well I can say that it was better! While I was still pretty hungry, it was better than yesterday. I didn't spend the whole day ready to stuff the first thing I saw down my throat, only like half of the day.

I came in at 1296 calories today, so it's not that I didn't eat enough, because I did. Also I finally had a yummy breakfast. It was a Smart Ones breakfast burrito frozen meal. It was actually pretty good, better than the oatmeal at least, but as you know I hate oatmeal.

source

I am trying to make myself wait until the 1 week mark to weigh myself, but I have a feeling I might pull the scales out tomorrow. But, on the bright side, if it's gone down, I'll be super happy!

Now it's time for reason 2 for 100 reasons to lose 100 pounds.

Dresses...

I love dresses, and I really want to get to a size that I can go into any store and find a cute little dress that looks great on me. Not have to search for the plus size section and have a tiny selection of dresses that are always "too clingy".

In the clothes department, being big really sucks, and I'm really just sick of it!

Yesterday I talked about looking at my goals 1 day at a time. Today was a good day. My goal now is to have a great tomorrow. But, as far as weight, my goal right now is to lose 5 pounds. That's all! Totally doable right?

I also wanted to mention that I am starting to feel like I'm coming out of my no caffeine fog. I didn't feel quite so tired today than I did yesterday. So far so good, things are looking up!

Day Two'

Dear Diary,

So, as expected Day Two mostly sucked. I was HUNGRY! All day. Though, I supposed I have to call it a win since I still haven't gotten a caffeine headache.

Food wise, everything tasted good, there just was not nearly enough of it. Come on stomach and shrink already!

I have to be careful this time though, I don't want to look too far ahead. Every time I do I start to think about how much weight I want to lose all together and how long and hard that is going to be, and I freak.

Every flipping time I freak. So instead of doing that, I am focusing on today. Today's goal is to get through. I didn't do too horribly bad. Even though I was so hungry I wanted to stuff chocolate down my throat, I didn't give in.

I finished the day right at 1300 calories. WIN! even though I'm not looking ahead, I'm dreading next week a little. I am on vacation from work. While that will help a lot with the soda intake, as I don't have free sodas lying around the house, I'm not going anywhere, and I tend to eat when I'm bored.

Hell, I eat when I have every emotion, whether happy, sad, bored, angry, tired. It doesn't matter food will always make it better. But does it really? I don't think so.

So, as for the promised reason one, I'm going to start out completely shallow.

Reason 1 of 100 reasons to lose 100 pounds, is a sore neck.

I know, you don't quite understand yet, but I'll break it down for you. For once in my life I was to turn a man's head so fast he gets a sore neck and a pissed off spouse. I want a man to look at me and think, 'Damn!'... Is that too much to ask for?

I know, I told you it was shallow! There are 100 reasons, I'll have plenty of time to be all deep and introspective.

Day 2 sucked, but I still made it my bitch! See you after day 3!

Day One

Dear Diary,

Today is day 1. They say the first day is the hardest. I dont know about that, but it wasn't exactly easy.

Not only is this day 1 for only 1300 calories or less, this is also day 1 of no more sodas!

I'm not sure which one will be harder. Why you ask? Well for a couple of reasons. For me, sodas are the equivalent of a cigarette to a 20 year smoker. One drag, or rather sip, throws me right back into the spiral of downing Dr Pepper like my life depends on it.

The problem with that is, the longer I continue to drink them, the more my life does depend on them. Well, maybe not my life but certainly my sanity.

The second reason is my job. As a "perk" they give us free sodas of all kinds! While its a nice added bonus for some, for me its like throwing a recovering crack head into a pile of free cocaine!

So as I lay here in bed happy, and very tired after my first full day without my DP fix, I'm just happy that the headaches haven't started yet. I already know that tomorrow will be a different story, and I am not looking forward to that. I'll keep you posted.

So let's get to the food part. I LOVE food. This is the main reason I'm fat. The other reason is that I don't want anyone to look at me, and as any fatty, or former fatty, can attest to, the space you take up the more invisible you are. But, we can save that for another day!

Even though tons of people are going to tell me how bad this is, I was inspired by Jenny Craig on this journey. I can't afford an extra car payment to actually be on Jenny Craig, but its frozen prepackaged meals. I can do that myself.

Yes I know, they are processed, and full of salt! I don't like to think too much. I hate to weigh, and constantly by foods and have to cook all the time. So, for the time being we are going to try this out.

I started with Oatmeal for breakfast, and it was horrible. Given, I dont care much for oatmeal, but I keep hearing how great it is for you, and how it keeps you full for hours. OK, but it tastes like cardboard, and I dont really enjoy that flavor too much.

So zoom ahead to the end of the day, and the note that I did also have fresh apples and orange s today too (step back haters). 1276 calories. I am starving!

This is not my first rodeo. I know it'll get better, and my stomach just has to get used to less food, but it still sucks.

Day 1 is complete, and I am proud of myself for today, even though I dread tomorrow, because for me 2nd day is always the worst.

Tomorrow, I will have reason 1 for 100 reasons to lose 100 pounds. Inspired by a very fit former fatty friend of mine!